Life Comes At You Fast...

For Blue and I, March came in like a lamb and left like a lion... We started the month, somewhat groggy from hibernating all winter and other then discussing plans for a possible move to the city, there really was not much on the horizon.

Inspired by many here, I started a new blog, a more professional one where I could really stretch my passion for writing, grow, and gain a new experience as I focused on just one of my interests. I was a little intimidated by the concept at first, but I am really enjoying the challenge and embracing it with all that I have to give.

Right now it is just a sleepy little blog that no one really knows about, but it is shaking my small world in ways that I could have never imagined. It is forcing me into a place that I have not been in a while, a place where I am fiercely proud of something I have created, a place where I am able to recall just who I am and what I am capable of. Considering the dark tunnel of depression, that I not to long ago left behind, the expanse of time it took for me to heal, and the fact that I lost a few years of my life to that process... I am astounded by how quickly I am outgrowing that dormant state. For months now, I keep thinking that I am in the springtime of my life, that this is as good as it gets... But, then I wake up to yet another sunny day to see that there are at least a million more things in bloom with in it. I look at the trees outside my window and their Springtime transformation speaks to me on a symbolic level reminding me that it can be truly natural to just start rapidly bursting to life after a long season of barrenness. This thought is comforting and gives me hope for all that is to come... Standing under the trees looking up at the sun shining through it branches, I brace myself instinctively know that the next phase is going to happen very fast.

Just a week ago, Blue was approached with a possible job offer. This was completely out of the blue and our week was scattered as we began to process the implications a change like this could/would have on our lives. My own thoughts were erratic at best last week and much fell by the way side as we both tried to process our feelings and instincts. Blue was very needy and I spent every evening sitting next to him stroking his face, his, arms, and his hair. He needed that touch, needed that comfort, and needed to know it would all turn out ok. I needed those things too, but deep down I knew he needed them more and I gave them to him with all that I had in me. As the week closed on Friday, the camera lens was a bit more focused and we were starting to be able to see the major components of the picture. The view was promising and our perspective of it brought out something in Blue that I had not seen in a while, Hope and a desire to achieve some of his long shelved dreams.

This excited and inspired me, but at the same time, it thew me into a personal quandary as I wondered where my place would be in the final composition...
This new job would bring us an entirely different lifestyle and whispers a promise of a life that we would have never in a million years envisioned for us... a journey that could very well set Blue on path that would easily include putting his name on one of those little signs that mark the side of the road during the election season... A life where a good man like my husband, could possibly leave a positive impression on the world around him. Of course this is speculation, but as I consider how amazing he is and how much I believe he has to offer, I can literally see/sense it on the horizon. Although I have never had a interest in stepping up to the plate and playing the "Appearances Game." I have to admit, I think of Blue's potential and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our world needs more men like him and we need them in power. I/We need to play the game...

So, with all that I have learned through my life, and drawing on the strength I gained through it, I am putting those inhibitions aside and I am going to step up to that plate next to him. It is not or will never be in my nature to be something I am not, but the pressure is on to recreate the next phase of my life, I almost feel like I am in a pressure cooker considering how my choice will undoubtedly be a great asset or truly do nothing to further Blue's career. With the eyes of people I have never even met on me and already inquiring about my future goals... I have literally been shaking in my shoes... I knew one day when Blue quit working for his company and we quit traveling that I would one day choose a second career and recreate my place in this world once again, but I never in a million years expected my choice to be so critical... Blue of course as always is encouraging me to follow my dreams, to do whatever I want, he has given me a blank canvas, and the promise that no matter what I create upon it, he will not only buy it, but still continue to be my biggest fan. Could I possible love that man of mine anymore?

All weekend long I stared at that blank canvas and flooded it with a million colors and shades of the rainbow with in the scope of my own mind, experience, passion, and comprehension. Hands shaking last night I decided the direction I wanted it to go and I took a deep breath as my brush hit the first color on my palette, and lefts it's indelible mark on the immense white space. That first brush stroke was extremely intimidating, but now that the brush is wet, they are coming naturally, and I am very focused on the task at hand...

In Fall 2007 I will go back to college part time and begin to seriously work on my associates degree. I debated working part time, we scrape by right now, but if Blue accepts this job, his salary will almost double. We will be far more comfortable in our 30's then we ever could have hoped for... This may not be the American way, but we have decided that this is more then enough for us and I am opting to dedicate myself to Public service in the community.

I have long ago hung up my hat as a nanny, but I do want a career that was equally as fulfilling. Volunteering is something I have always been passionate about and it offers me a way to support Blue's career, while not selling out my self or my own dreams...

Tears trickle down my cheeks as I write this, because I know I have found my place, where I am meant to be, and my purpose in this next stage of my life. My focus is going to be on helping to bring the arts to inner city children, inner city children that were once like my Blue... Yes, there is more to this story and maybe one day I will share it... But for now, just know that as soon as that first splash of paint hit the canvas, Blue and I both knew it was right. We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is going to be my/our fate and we are overwhelmed with all of the wonderful possibilities. Last night over dinner Blue says to me, "I think everything we have gone through was for a reason and I think more then ever now that we were not put on this Earth to raise our own children, but to nurture many." ...and then he just laughed gently not second guessing for one second that this was the way it was supposed to be all along... and you know what... my heart is dancing to that very same beat...