Life Challenge #6

I think there may be too many matriarchs in my family... someone really should have had the foresight to cap that number long ago... so many fights, too much competition, and not one willing to just play fair. I had a fairly good time visiting my grandmother... tried my best to make the visit pleasant and something worth remembering... wish it were as easy as it sounds...

My big mistake, going to see my Godmother (Grandma's 86 y/o sister/arch enemy) on my way out of Long Island. I suppose that I should have chosen sides and not gone to visit my favorite aunt who is awaiting results for a biopsy that could very well prove to be cancerous...
Maybe I should have just gossiped about my Aunt Jean as my grandmother wanted and jumped on the bandwagon of women in my family that like to stir the pot as it seems to be expected maybe even required...

Yesterday my grandmother chose to pick a fight with me ruining what I could call a semi-nice visit if I try hard enough to be positive about it... Unlike the others before me, I called her on her actions and behavior ... Did the unspeakable and held her accountable for her own part in the ugliness. (GASP!) Pointed out the example she was choosing to set for the rest of us...

She backed down, the phone call ended, and I realized that as far a matriarchs go, that I was the new blood… the one that stood next in line to wear the crown and hold the reins… The thought made me cringe. I crawled into bed for the entire afternoon and I wondered just at what point the Grandma that used to give you milk, cookies, and a hug turned into the grandma that liked to play cowboys and Indians... handing you a gun and insisting on being on opposite sides.

With the words, "Your giving me a stroke!" ringing through my ears, I wondered how I could fix a negative mess that has existed long before I was born. Short of joining a convent, how could I disengage forever and never have to hear another word, vicious story, or feel the need to constantly run offense as every family member that I have ever loved is incessantly degraded in front of me?

With these thoughts in mind, I wrote my Grandma a letter and decided what challenge #6 would be...

Challenge #6:
To focus on the positive and to look for the good... to try my hardest not to engage in conversations that are focused on the past and all of our many faults and failures permanently captured with in it... To excuse myself from these conversations and situations as they do not support the life I wish to lead and the person I am choosing to be. To give myself permission to walk away, to end a phone call early, and to break the cycle... I will choose not be ugly or raise my voice, I will just gently remind my relatives where I stand, tell them I love them and that I look forward to the next time, when hopefully we can discuss better times or other topics that are more neutral...

I certainly can not expect them to change, but I can change myself and walk away from the role I have been groomed for… Become the change I wish to see…

Blue and my mom suggested that I write a letter as it is my only chance of truly being heard. Lets hope they are right…



Grandma,

I am really glad that you enjoyed the photo albums. I really enjoyed looking at your wedding album with you. I also really enjoyed going through your cookbook with you as well. I have so many wonderful memories spent in you home, especially your kitchen. From the time I was still small enough to take a bath in your kitchen sink with the Ivory dish soap (the smell of that soap still to this day brings back a flood of warm memories), making cookies in your kitchen, many family dinners, and the first thoughts I had ever given to meal preparations and menus. My love for cooking truly began with you. You always knew how to make that learning process so much fun for me. It is also because of you that I learned to love books, the library, and the adventures you could embark on just by picking up a book. So many wonderful memories...

I also am thankful for all of the holidays we were able to share... The excitement of waiting for you and Grandpa to come over Christmas day... Grandpa pulling me on a sled down a street completely covered in snow, all those trips to the duck pond and the park. Growing up, I never doubted that I really did have the best Grandparents in the whole world.

I remember shopping with you, mom, Aunt Jean and Michael... The visits you and Aunt Jean used to make together and how wonderful I thought it was to be able to get to see both of you at the same time. I may have been a little girl, but even then I knew how special it was to have lots of people around you that loved you and lots of people to love in return. I also remember one of the few times that Aunt Jerry and Uncle Joe came to our home along with everyone else for Christmas. All that love made me feel like I was one of the luckiest little girls in the world. I have always wished that there were more times like it...

I remember Uncle Joe picking inedible berries in the back yard with me just for fun, Uncle Eddie singing me the funniest songs, and Grandpa helping me clean my room so I wouldn't get in trouble. Very few memories of Uncle Richard, but our few visits to their home gave me a glimpse of a better life, one very different then my own at the time and one worth striving for. For that I am thankful, because through it, I learned that it was important to work hard to reach your goals, that the sky really was the limit…

My parents had their troubles, but still I love them very much too and share many wonderful memories with them as well. Dancing to disco music in the living room with mom, how hard she worked to always make the holidays special for us no matter what, the way that she always encouraged me to be myself, and all the times that she let me "mess" up the kitchen as I learned how to cook or bake. I remember singing in the car with my dad everywhere that we went, and how much fun we had when he taught me how to ride my bike. I also remember how good he was at listening to me when I thought I was wronged, and he taught me that you could never be too big or grown up to not have to apologize for the wrong you had done, the mistake you had made, or the mess you had caused.

Of course, there are the bad memories too, because of everyone listed above, none were perfect and they all made their mistakes. Even from this, I learned that life goes on, that when you fail, you try again, and no matter how bad the fight, you can always find a way to forgive and patch things up even if you know that the peace may not last forever... I also learned that even when it seemed as if the whole world fell apart that there will no doubt always be better times ahead to look forward to. In your own ways, all of you taught me all I know about the world and helped shape me into the person that I am today. I feel very blessed for the time spent with all of you and there is not one in the bunch that I do not love, admire, and respect for the part they played in my life.

In all honesty, it is the good things that I like to talk about... the kinds of memories that I like to remember and it is the times that we spend rekindling that good that I truly enjoy the most. Yes, there were the bad memories, but life is short, and there is no way to go back and change what was or what could have been... As far as I can see, those negative thoughts and memories add nothing positive to the present and do nothing to benefit my life or the lives of those around me.



Life is short, and in my opinion, it is not and could never begin to give us enough time... I just want to make the best of that time whatever it is and whatever it may bring... So, after much thought today I have decided that the change that I want to see has to begin with me... That change is nothing Earth shattering, just a small decision, just a slight change, but one that will no doubt leave an impact on my life... and I can only hope that maybe one day in my life time, that change will cause ripples through the whole pond. But, there is no doubt in my mind that it has to begin with me…



So, from this day forward I am making a very personal choice to focus on the positive and to look for the good... to try my hardest not to engage in conversations that are focused on the past and all of our many faults and failures permanently captured with in it... I will be always available, always willing, and very eager to chat about the better times no matter the day or time. Yes the past is there, but that is where I am choosing to leave it… Of course there are always other things up for discussion. Our world is a very fast moving, complicated, and wondrous place… so much to learn… and still so much to discover… so many ideas yet to discuss…



I am sure that this will not be easy and I have no doubt that there may be times that I fail. But I am going to try my hardest and I hope that you will respect my attempt to change something within myself, that I do not like and that as always you will be supportive in helping me achieve my goals.



I love you more than I could ever express in one lifetime and I am thankful for the role you have played in my life.



Love always,