Hurt

I like to journal early in the morning not long after I first wake up, when my sense of self censorship is still asleep, when my mind is full of new thoughts, ideas, perspectives, and possibilities. Opening my eyes slowly to catch a glimpse of the sun shining through my windows is my favorite way to start the day. On mornings like that I wake up practically jumping out of bed to greet the day and all that it will bring. And on mornings like today, when the sun is hidden by the clouds, I crank the stereo or turn on VH-1 or MTV to catch the morning videos. Nelly Furtado’s Video, Say it Right is blaring right now. I love her voice and it is chasing the away the clouds in my mind that the sun has yet to clear. What she missed, Christina Aguilera has found with her song, Hurt. She has really evolved as an artist and this video is as colorful and surreal to me as a Mark Ryden Painting. Her voice captures my soul and the lyrics almost always bring tears to my eyes.

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

How many times did I hurt like that when I chose not to forgive, but rather to hold on to my pain while it slowly tore me apart from the inside out? Was it really their fault or were their actions just the result of their own shortcomings, limitations, and ignorance? Did they try their best or did they just not know how? If it was all different would I be who I am and where I am today? Yes, to forgive and to let go is sometimes more of a gift to yourself then it is the recipient, who often is too blinded by their own ignorance to fully absorb your pain or ever acknowledge it the way you need them to. Sometimes you can walk away and cut your losses and other times you never really do find that way out, that way to let go and never miss what was or what could have been if the pieces of that broken puzzle had only been found…